• Ayee

The Shadow & The Light

Updated: May 24

My moon time just finished & it was pretty intense, almost like an, "initiation," i guess. I wondered what the purpose was why women once a month go through their cycles where their neocortex, the gray matter of our brains, that part that organises, plans, decides, strategizes, thinks, etc. - shrinks, so that what becomes active is the midbrain-mammalian brain & the hindbrain-reptillian brain, responsible for emotions & vital survival processes, respectively.

I was having a really tumultuous time to say the least coupled with the new moon in Cancer & solar eclipse summer solstice + Venus turning direct as morningstar in Gemini then Neptune retrograde in my 7th house in Sagittarius & all these things happening inside me, too, the inner movements reflecting the cosmic movements without, & now, with my 4th day, I see the light & remember why: the midbrain-mammalian brain is only present in those mammals capable of producing offspring because it is responsible for emotions & it's link to experiences & capacity for nurturing the young.

The neocortex shrinks because at this time in a woman's life she either conceives a child or releases the unfertilized egg - either way her body is preparing to give birth to life, at which time what activates is her capacity to nurture (midbrain-mammalian brain) & her capacity to survive & protect herself & her offspring (hindbrain-reptilian brain).

It is nature preparing itself for life, & most often has nothing to do with thoughts, thinking or plans (which, in the context of a family unit, is the responsibility of the male, as the female prepares to give birth) but everything to do with living from the hip, speaking from the heart, being love & life embodied in its utmost nakedness & authenticity.

I just suddenly see & appreciate the life process & what goes on in my body as a woman-girl.

It can be, "tumultuous," or, "ripping," because it often necessitates a breaking away from the usual neocortex activity of thought & surface management to soul & heart support which cab be radically different paradigms.

And in today's society where women are also encouraged to be strong or no different from men it is sometimes challenging to understand that this was how we were always designed. Not just for procreation, per se - but to live from our hip, speak from our hearts.

It is a big deal because coming from a dominator culture that almost asks you to suppress feeling so you can, "fit," in &, "just," move things along so it, "works," or continues, "working,"

I find myself in almost new ground - while I've been living if in my body all my life & have actually been teaching yoga for a while. It's different to have been given permission to play with your body or work with your body versus inhabit your body & feel & articulate the feelings & things that take place & not feel like you're an alien for having them - because they are normal & physiological & basic.

But I see how far the wound has gone that I just see it now how I've been alienated from my own innate feelings & desires if only to, "fit in," or, "function," - which is probably why all these movements are happening within & without - in my body & in the cosmos...

Venus turning direct as Morningstar in Gemini reminds me of my value & my own worthiness in love & joy in pleasure & comfort of being...

Cancer New Moon in my 3rd house with Saturn as Brett Joseph said is all about reclaiming what I truly desire. To admit my needs & not ignore them because i have a right to embody, experience, enjoy & express them.

My health depends on it!

Neptune retrograde in my 7th house with Sagittarius as Anne Ortelee said is where I find my God. And I have all ways truly sought it outside of myself through relationships or engagements.

And my body... my body tells me I can listen to & come home to me - because it is who I am. Feelings, desires, yearnings, pinings, hopes, dreams... they are the Spark of Life as Brett says - they bring us to life & we cannot ignore them. They cry out to us for expression so they may be lived in, through & as us - our own livingness ourselves - our own lives its magnificent testament.

So i answer my own question in my last post about moon time.... And perhaps it will resonate in the hearts of the other women here...

I have it because I am sacred. Like blood. Even the word blood comes from the word Sangre which means sacred. I bleed because I am Life & I am sacred & it is through those moments when all outward seeing or thinking or, "managing," stops I am able to come right to the heart & feeling & true yearning of myself that begs to be seen, felt & heard, loved, embraced & understood - not only because it is, "useful," or, "functional," or, "sensible," but because it is truly who I authentically am - without the filters - raw, naked, true.

And what better way to see & be seen.

I reached out to some people to hold space during those intense moments & I cried & allowed myself to feel anger. Feelings I never even admitted or knew I strongly had or held or still had...

They all found their voice to be seen, understood, heard & released.

And mostly, it was love. I reached out for love. For the need to connect at a deep heart level with no other agenda or checklist than just to be myself & know that THAT no matter how disheveled or disorganised or messy looking - is GOOD ENOUGH.

I am good enough.

And it's so surprising how I found equal fervent hearts making room to receive, hold space, share space & be with me & to see I was not alone! And not only that - I was loved for being seen or showing who I am.

I was not reprimanded. I was not rejected. I was not turned away. For a child who was reprimanded for accidentally dropping & breaking plates always anxious not to hurt or disturb the, "peace," that was a big deal. Being with you all in community braving the story & storms of our hearts - because we just want so much to come, "home," or know what it feels like to be, "home," where all of you is adored & welcome not only when you make a grade or score points for your school, it's a huge deal.

I am learning to be a woman again. Like it's the first time. The joker in me would say like a virgin (Madonna). My Venus is only 16 years old so I have much room to grow.

Thank you so much for having me here.

Sasha Benedetti - thank you so much for all your big sister guidance about Venus & Mars & Venus as Morningstar in Gemini & how we can be, moving forward. I am happy & grateful for it.

A deeper understanding of women.

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